Who am I?

Who am I? Who am I to write this, I’m no one special, but then again no one is special. And simultaneously everyone is special, or at least everyone has the potential to be special. I’ve been thinking about writing a book in the last few years. I have a few topics in mind, but I think to myself “I’m only in my 30’s I’m no expert” at least I felt that way. Now, I’m 39. I don’t mentally feel 39, but everything hurts and the pains are not going away. Lately I’ve been having these revelations that many of the characters that I loved as a child and a teenager I am now older than they were. In 1999 I was 14 and I consider it to be the best year in movies ever. Click here for proof . Fight Club, The Matrix, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace (not the best movie but definitely a cultural moment) all came out that year, and when I look at Brad Pitt and Edward Norton. It’s hard to believe that these men feel like men to me and I am now older than they are. Which, funny enough, is a topic they cover in fight club. “I’m not man, I’m a 30 year old boy” Edward Norton says. I’m not a kid anymore whether I accept it or not, I am a man. So part 1 of answering the question of Who am I? Well I guess I’m a man (reads Adult). But I definitely don’t feel like an expert on anything. I can’t be writing a book, that’s for accomplished smart people. But perhaps I may be wrong about that, or from a different point of view, it doesn’t matter if I am or not. Tony Robbins wrote his first self-help book Awake the Power Within at 30. Ryan Holiday (The Daily Stoic) has written a ton of books and he’s 3 years younger than me. Now there are many books I’ve read that were written by people older than me who wrote them at age 40 and beyond. The point is the saying “fake it till you make it” is true, because in reality no one is “faking it”, they are just not certain of their expertise.

So why haven’t I been faking it ’til I make it? I guess because truth and authenticity are strong values to me. I don’t want to be a false important somebody. But one thing I need to practice is putting my own needs first, or at least recognizing that. I think a lot. I have a lot of discussions in my head. I have a lot of ideas (mostly bad). Instead of keeping these thoughts to myself or sharing them with my friends who often don’t care, I’ve decided to put them out into the world. Maybe I’ll find my tribe, my community of like minded people. 

Being vulnerable, fighting perfectionism everyday. The ability to be okay with things being good enough and not being perfect is such a powerful tool to move things forward.

I have so many half-finished projects because the first half come from pure divine inspiration, but that inspiration only gives me one piece of the puzzle. It’s probably God’s way of teaching me something I’ve yet to learn. I hope writing and vlogging (wanna start that too)  like this is consistently something that can add joy to my life. I enjoy creating entertainment-art as I call it. Content always feels like a word for cheap filler. My mind races a million miles a minute and there are so many things I want to talk about and instead of doing nothing I will fake it til I make it, or at least I will Attempt it, til I make it.